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Bittersweet Moments

When I really sit down to think about Bren's life(which I don't do often), I realize how bittersweet it is. There are plenty, and I mean plenty, of bitter moments. Numerous doctor/therapy appointments each week. Multiple trips to Madison each month for a variety of specialty appointments. The annoyance(and probably some pain) of EEGs. The never ending "well, we just have to wait and see" answers. The never ending "I don't know why that happens" answers. The list goes on and on.

But with every bitter moment I try to find a sweet moment. The most common thing I think of is the fact that we have the means to attend the multiple doctors, therapies, and specialties that are going to give Bren the best life possible. Another sweet thing is that Bren smiles through it all. It never fails that Bren will brighten up any room with a smile. The third thing I commonly think of is the fact that we love the people we need to go see. The clinic we take him to is wonderful and everyone showers us with love. The hospital we take him for his therapies, is so so gracious with us. All of the specialists have a way of making us calm even though they are more than likely giving us some sort of bad news.

It's bittersweet having a child with special needs. It's easy to compare Bren with others. But more often than not, I find myself comparing his current life to the life I had a dreamed for him. I find this happens most when another mom who has a kiddo with Bren's same diagnosis, talks about how well her child is doing. In those moments I could not be happier for that mom and that child. I can only dream of the days that would happen for us. But those moments also bring forth a big wave of grief. I feel the loss of what I dreamed for Bren all over again. Being friends with moms who also have children with special needs is bittersweet.

I am learning more and more how bittersweet moments are 100% okay. Just like most feelings(which I am really bad at feeling and identifying), they are okay as long as you don't live in them too long.

Below you will see a picture of moment in the past two months that I found as bittersweet. This was taken by my husband when we had Bren's latest EEG done. Even though the day was hard and Bren screamed when they were putting the leads on and looked at me like "mom, why are you not doing anything?" I was able to snuggle and comfort him. Bren is one of the sweetest kiddos I know and I hope he stays that way forever.




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