New Normals and a Crazy Awesome God

Dear friend, I see you. I see you running to appointments rather than play dates. I see you working with your child day in and day out; trying to give them the best possible life they can have. I see you stressed out. I see you wondering what your child will be like in a year or 5 or 20. I see you wondering how you are going to afford everything. I see you worrying. I see you. I understand. I understand what it's like to look at your child and feel anxious, fear, and stress. I understand what it's like to look at your child and have so many questions. I understand what's it like to live a life you never fully planned on living. I understand what's it like to have new realities come at you on a daily basis. I know what it's like to have to say no to things you really want to do because your child can't come along and you can't find a sitter you trust. I know what it's like to be exhausted from the day just thinking about everything you need to with yo...

I have no idea how to begin this posted. I can't tell you how many times I started this post and then deleted it because it just did not seem right. This post isn't what I intended it to be but it's everything I needed it to be. It's been a year. It's been a shitty year. It's been a joyful year. It's been an overwhelming year. It's been a year full of learning and new experiences. It was not how I expected our first year to go, but I wouldn't trade this year for anything. I've said it before and I will say it at least a thousand more times; we have an amazing community. Our community is what helped make this year what it was. They sat with us, cried with us, listened to me wallow, and loved us through it all. But my favorite part about this amazing community we have is how they love to celebrate Bren with us, every "little" thing was as big to them as it was to us. About a week before my son's birthday, I sent this text to my ...

The number one question I get asked (Okay, maybe it's the number two question) is, "how can I help?" For a variety of reasons, that is the hardest question for me to answer on the spot. One of those reasons, is because I hate asking for help and accepting help. Another reason is because I am generally so overwhelmed with other thoughts and schedules and all other life things roaming around in my head that I don't have the capacity to think about how you can help on the spot. So here is a list of things that I have thought of that could be helpful. And really many of these things can be helpful for any mom with young kiddos. 1. Meals. If you have time in you schedule and room in your budget to bring a meal of two that would be incredibly helpful. After a busy day of appointments cooking is the last thing on my mind. I am generally too exhausted to cook let alone think of the food we have in the house. 2. Prayer. Please don't pray that our child will get better....

I recently read a blog post where a woman wrote a letter addressed to herself before her daughter was diagnosed with CP. I learned a lot from that letter and you can read it here. One of the things that really stuck out to me was when she said "Her progress doesn’t solely rely on you; she will go at her own pace. Follow her lead and be strong for her". I cannot tell you how many times a day I see Bren's lack of progress as a failure on my part. Because here's the thing; I am with him almost 24/7. I am taking him to this therapy and that therapy, this doctor's appointment and that one. It's easy for others to tell me that it's not my fault and Bren will do what he can when he can and it's so true. He will and just because he doesn't do something we have been working all day on, does not mean that I failed. I love letters. I love getting things that are thought out and filled with so much love. Words of affirmation are my thing. I love to give th...

When I really sit down to think about Bren's life(which I don't do often), I realize how bittersweet it is. There are plenty, and I mean plenty, of bitter moments. Numerous doctor/therapy appointments each week. Multiple trips to Madison each month for a variety of specialty appointments. The annoyance(and probably some pain) of EEGs. The never ending "well, we just have to wait and see" answers. The never ending "I don't know why that happens" answers. The list goes on and on. But with every bitter moment I try to find a sweet moment. The most common thing I think of is the fact that we have the means to attend the multiple doctors, therapies, and specialties that are going to give Bren the best life possible. Another sweet thing is that Bren smiles through it all. It never fails that Bren will brighten up any room with a smile. The third thing I commonly think of is the fact that we love the people we need to go see. The clinic we take him to is wond...

When you work with others for 40+ hours a week, you see a lot of different things. You see how the family cycle plays out. You see how mental health impacts a person but also their family. You see how outside influences can really help or hurt someone. And when I was working, it was not uncommon for me to take those experiences and use them to evaluate my own life. It also became "easy" to recognize signs of different mental health diagnoses and when a psychologist validated my suspicion, I always did a little fist pump. When Bren was born, I knew right away how highly susceptible I was to Postpartum Depression and PTSD. When I would recognize signs in myself, I would quickly ignore them. But really, I knew they existed. Bren was born in October and it took me till January to acknowledge that those things were there and to seek help. I believe it took me that time frame because I thought I knew what I needed to do in order to move past them. I mean, I had worked with people...

A friend texted me the other day and said, "I hear you and I see you". Those words meant more to me than most other words have. Hearing that someone hears and sees me was an overwhelming sense of peace washing over me. I don't need people to hear and see us in a "look at us and everything we do" kind of way. I don't need people to hear and see us in a "Oh, you poor things" kind of way. I so desperately want someone to come along side us and say, "This is hard. And it sucks. And it's exhausting. It's not what you expected and it's totally okay to feel whatever you feel". I want, no, I need people to come along side us and say, "I hear you and I see you". As I think back to that text, I cannot help but think of how God orchestrated that so perfectly. I so desperately want a human, someone psychical, to come along side me and say those things but God says them to me everyday. The fact that I felt an overwhelming se...